The Most Anticipated, Least Necessary Month: Straight Pride Is Here!

For a long time, it's felt like the focus has been on celebrating the LGBTQ+ community, and some heterosexual people feel their own experiences and culture aren't acknowledged in the same way. There's a sense that straight culture is overlooked, and that can be disheartening. So, I'm suggesting we create a Pride Month specifically for heterosexual individuals. In today's world, being straight can sometimes feel like a distinct experience, and it deserves its own recognition.

Think about online dating. Straight people have to sift through profiles with strange photos, like people posing with fish or even tigers. It takes real courage to navigate all that to find a genuine connection, or at least someone who won't send weird pictures.

And the expectations! Straight people are often expected to be good at things like grilling, assembling IKEA furniture without getting frustrated, and understanding complex sports rules. These aren't just hobbies; they're significant societal pressures. Where's the celebration for the person who successfully put up a shelf or the woman who convinced her partner they needed another decorative pillow?

June is rightly a month for LGBTQ+ Pride. But what about July or August, when summer is in full swing? We could have parades for straight pride! Imagine floats celebrating things like cargo shorts or dad jokes. There could be a "Potluck Power" parade where everyone brings their most classic, simple casseroles.

The music would be classic rock songs about trucks and heartbreak, or even a song about finding the perfect pair of khakis. Speeches would focus on the challenges of picking paint colors that aren't too bold or the quiet struggles of sharing a bathroom cabinet.

It's time we recognize the distinct challenges straight people face. It's not always easy. Sometimes you just want to watch a game without explaining the rules, or eat a meal that isn't fancy or complicated.

So, let's toast the straight community with a casual beer. You've earned it. And who's bringing the seven-layer dip?

In honor of Straight Pride Month, here are 20 watershed moments in heterosexual history. 

• The Wheel (around 3500 BCE): Not just for everyone, the wheel eventually led to minivans—perfect for soccer practice.
• The First Nuclear Family (Pre-history): Early humans pairing up and having kids set the stage for family sitcoms and the growth of suburbs.
• The Discovery of Fire (Pre-history): Essential for cooking, staying warm, and setting the mood for backyard barbecues and romantic heterosexual evenings.
• Farming Begins (around 10,000 BCE): This led to settled communities, owning land, and eventually needing bigger homes with two-car garages.
• The First Diamond Engagement Ring (Ancient Rome): Kicking off a tradition that would cost heterosexual men a lot of money for generations.
• Building Nuclear Bunkers (Cold War Era): Showing how heterosexuals planned for everything, even in-laws staying too long.
• The Remote Control (1950s): This invention changed TV time and sparked the first big power struggle between heterosexual couples over who controls the clicker.
• The "Man Cave" (20th Century): A key part of heterosexual home design, offering a safe space away from decorative pillows and scented candles.
• First Co-ed Bowling League (Early 20th Century): Encouraged friendly competition and the trend of matching couple's shirts.
• The "Honey-Do List" (Mid-20th Century): A genius way to organize chores and create endless jokes.
• The Push Lawnmower (1830): Paved the way for gas-powered mowers and that classic heterosexual weekend activity.
• Suburban Developments (Post WWII): The perfect picture of the heterosexual dream: white picket fences and homeowners association fees.
• The Barbecue Grill (Mid-20th Century): Solidified the man's role as the grill master, serving up charred meats.
• "His and Hers" Towels (Mid-20th Century): A decorative and practical symbol of heterosexual partnership.
• Golf Courses Galore (20th Century): Provided a hobby and a handy excuse for heterosexual men to get away for a few hours.
• TV Sitcoms with Heterosexual Families (Mid-20th Century): Helped set social norms and gave countless examples of relatable family arguments.
• The Minivan (Late 20th Century): The ultimate sign of heterosexual family life, prioritizing practicality over looking cool.
• Homeowners Associations (Mid-20th Century): Ensured everyone followed the rules, kept property values up, and provided a platform for passive-aggressive neighborly disputes.
• The First "Dad Joke" (Lost to time): A timeless funny tradition passed down through generations of heterosexual fathers.
• "Date Night" (20th Century): A groundbreaking idea that let heterosexual couples briefly remember they were more than just parents and bill-payers.

So, as we embark on this groundbreaking journey to establish Heterosexual Pride Month, let's remember the sacrifices made. The brave souls who've had to navigate a world where their romantic comedies are readily available, their weddings are legally recognized, and their existence isn't debated in political arenas. It's truly a testament to their resilience that they've managed to simply be without a dedicated rainbow flag. While some might argue this is a thinly veiled attempt to detract from genuine struggles, we prefer to see it as a bold step towards an even more inclusive future—one where everyone, regardless of sexual orientation, can complain about not being celebrated enough.

Carolina Dean
Homo